Our Story :: His Plan

For all those who have shared their story of infertility with me, I am so grateful for their courage and for that reason I wish to share mine. Many may not know it took a year for me to get pregnant with this second baby. We had no problem with Dallen, as soon as I wanted to be pregnant, I was. So it came as a huge shock that that was not the case the second time around. Although I have had MANY health problems over the last 2 years, I still really don’t know what caused my infertility. The first few months were not so bad, I didn’t think anything was really wrong, I just wanted a baby. After about 6 months, I started to really worry and wonder. After about 9 months it seemed unreal when the doctor told me "we're gonna have to help you get pregnant". It is hard to convey the feelings that overcome you when faced with such a trial. One night I was watching an episode of one my favorites, Grey’s Anatomy, where one of the main characters, Meredith, who was struggling with infertility finally breaks down and cries about all the girls in the world who get pregnant by accident, and those who don't want their babies and how hard it is on someone who tries and tries and TRIES. I recognized that I knew how she felt. Although I was genuinely happy for those receiving the blessings of Motherhood, it doesn't mean it's not hard to wonder what’s wrong with you. It completely consumes you at some point, you can't help but think about only that. Often times I felt like I was walking a thin line between keeping the faith and fighting depression. It's hard not to feel like you're broken when this is the purpose God created you for. Each month’s negative test was like re-reading a rejection letter over and over. I was so grateful for the sweet reminder that Dallen was every day of how blessed I already was, he definitely helped me through this more than he will ever know. I knew that if I never got anything else in life, I would be ok because I already had the greatest blessing imaginable. That fact helped me through but this was definitely a trial that made me turn to the Lord.Now that this trial is over for me in my life, I can see why the Lord had me go through it. I learned so much about faith, patience, the gospel of Jesus Christ, my Savior and myself. More than anything I am so grateful for the reminder of what a miracle my Dallen is, and this new baby too!! I am already so much more grateful for this little miracle and I am trying not to take a moment for granted. I have so much gratitude for encouraging friends, supportive family, the words of prophets and modern medicine. I am grateful for having had this trial and I know now that this plan for our family was not my own.